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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23131402">The Less We Talk About It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basic_instinct40/pseuds/Basic_instinct40'>Basic_instinct40</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Comics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, M/M, My boyfriend is unstable, No Bucky Barnes Cryo After Civil War, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sam is tired of being the go between, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve and Bucky dont know how to be adults, The Old Men, We have deep thoughts in the shower, You guys should be in therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:21:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23131402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basic_instinct40/pseuds/Basic_instinct40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"C'mon Pete, we gotta kill Bob while he's still alive!" ~ Don Wrigley</p><p>Moments like these between the two of them feel outside of time and if you asked Steve to recall the year, he wouldn’t be able to tell you if it was 1937, 1944, 2015, or 2028. </p><p>“Okay, national hero, let’s get you out of this. You’re starting to prune up and show your age,” Bucky nudges him under the shower head</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Captain America/ Winter Soldier - Relationship, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Less We Talk About It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story was written mostly in iphone notes over a matter of weeks and then in one sitting after two days of panic attacks. It's my first crack at Steve x Bucky fic and I hope it makes someone happy. </p><p> </p><p>"And what do I see: you're the one who's sick. You're not about to get over your fear. You lock yourself in and turn the key twice." </p><p>-Helene Cixous. Hyperdream.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m not mad, Buck.” </p><p>Steve watches Bucky’s mouth turn into a doubtful frown. They’re standing in their hallway, neither one of them wanting to feel boxed into a room with only one exit, but still needing to have this conversation face to face. </p><p>	“You seem mad, Steve,” Bucky’s eyes aren’t quite meeting Steve’s. They settle near Steve’s perfect jawline that is made no less perfect from the tense angle he holds it in. “I can hear you grinding away at your teeth all the way over here, pal. You doing that out of enjoyment?” </p><p>Steve closes his eyes and focuses on trying to relax his jaw. He wasn’t mad at Bucky, but Steve was tired of this argument. Opening his eyes, Steve throws his hand up towards Bucky. “Look, you got what you want--”</p><p>Bucky’s mouth opens to interrupt, but Steve finishes his speech before he can. “Buck, I didn’t go on the mission. I stayed here with you, like you wanted,” Steve turns his back on Bucky, reaching for the linen closet, his hands resting on the two door handles. “Drop it, okay?” </p><p>Steve doesn’t watch Bucky’s face change from surprise, to anger, to acceptance. He doesn’t watch Bucky ‘drop it’, shrugging his shoulders and giving Steve’s back a sharp nod. </p><p>	“Sure, Steve.” </p><p>It’s because of his elevated hearing that Steve hears Bucky walk away in that eerie silent way of his that made him that best assassin for over fifty years. </p><p>“I’m going to take a shower. Knock twice if you need me,” Steve says barely above a whisper, knowing that the other man would hear him. He hoped that he would hear him. Pulling out a washcloth and bigger towel to dry off with from the hallway closet, Steve’s guts twist as if he was forced fed razor blades and lemons. He regrets snapping at Bucky already, but Steve can’t think of anything to say that would make either one of them feel better. He doubts a second shower of the day will do anything good, but it will be an improvement from fighting Bucky. </p><p>The worst part of the fight was that Steve wasn’t entirely honest with Bucky. Yes, The Avengers or what was left of them had gone on a small covert ops mission somewhere off the Gulf of Riga a couple of days ago. The team composed of Sam, Natasha, and Clint hunting down a crossover group from Hydra and AIM. Ever since the Accords and Steve’s falling out with Tony (“I would say it was more than a falling out, Steve,” Sam liked to say to him) the only people who took the time to keep in contact with him was Sam and less frequently, Natasha. </p><p>Steve tried not to worry about them and how he couldn’t be there to shield their non-super soldier bodies from harm. Sam kept him updated as best as he could, checking in every few days to release the tension in Steve’s shoulders until his next’s communication. That was until a couple of nights ago when Sam had missed Steve’s signal and then missed the next nights. </p><p>“I’m sure they’re just deep underground,” Bucky tried to assure him even as Steve was looking for a back channel way into Latvia. “You don’t have to barrel roll your way in, man.” </p><p>Steve was too busy haggling with a man in broken French on his burner cell over the price of concealing himself in the Frenchman’s ship via shipping crate to listen to Bucky. He covered the phone’s mouthpiece and slapped at Bucky’s hand, trying in vain to tug the phone away from Steve. </p><p>“And if they’re dead, what then? Here, you talk to this asshole, your French is better,” Steve handed him the phone, but yelped when Bucky used his one hand to snapped Steve’s phone in half. </p><p>“What the fuck? Do you know how long it took me to get that asshat on the phone?” Steve pulled at his hair so he wouldn’t take a swing at Bucky. “I know you know what time it is in France.” </p><p>Not looking impressed with Steve’s temper, Bucky dropped the broken phone pieces on the carpet and stepped closer to him. “I sure do, pal. But I also know that if you run off right now with some half-cocked plan, it isn’t going to save your friends,” He pressed his hand to Steve’s chest. “It will get them killed.” </p><p>Steve let his fist fall from his hair, not caring that he looked ridiculous with it all sticking up. He knew that Bucky thought he was helping, that he thought he was taking care of Steve. But Steve didn’t see it that way. He didn’t need to be taken care of anymore. Raising himself to his full height, he pushed past Bucky, bumping his shoulder into Bucky's armless one. </p><p>“Maybe you don’t care about them, because they aren’t your friends, but I do. If you aren’t going to help, then stay out of it,” He called out. That wasn’t his only burner phone. </p><p>Eventually, Sam made contact before Steve was breathing air through an oxygen tank over the Atlantic Ocean. This time though, Sam wasn’t the only one wanting to talk.</p><p>“Hey, um Clint wants to say something,” Sam cleared his throat from millions of miles away, his voice fuzzy due to his satellite phone, but Steve could picture the man in front of him clear as day. He wished having Bucky back in his arms didn’t mean missing out on Sam Wilson’s gap tooth smile. </p><p>Steve smiled at the mirage of Sam, hoping his voice didn’t let on how he was feeling. It was a mystery even to him. “You don’t exactly make that seem like a friendly offer.” </p><p>Sam was quiet for a minute longer than Steve wanted. “It’s not actually an offer. Just--” Sam put on his Social Worker voice and Steve knew there would be no more check in’s. “Just remember that he deserves to say what he has to say.” </p><p>Steve got up off his bed to close the door to his bedroom and then decided to turn on the ceiling fan for good measure. “I’m sure Clint feels that way.” </p><p>“Yeah, okay. I’m putting him on now,” Steve hears shuffling in the background as they pass the phone from hand to hand. He breathes out through his nose and strains his hearing to seek out Bucky in their two bedroom loft, but only hears the starting theme to Pete and Pete, a TV show that Bucky had recently become obsessed with. </p><p>“Steve,” Clint’s voice is as fuzzy as Sam was, but it’s harder for Steve to pull his image up. The two were always friendly and Steve enjoyed how easy it was to be around Clint, but he was ashamed to say when The Avengers broke apart Clint’s face was one of the last he thought about. </p><p>“Hey, bud. Glad you guys made it out of everything okay.” </p><p>Steve could pick up the sound of wind from the receiving end of Clint’s side and pictured him taking the conversation up to the roof of wherever they were staying, always preferring higher ground. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You and your friend, knowing where we are.” </p><p>Steve’s eyelids blink rapid fire as he processes what Clint said. “My friend?” He answers back dumbly. “You mean Bucky? Clint, you don’t have to worry about him. I’m not—we aren’t tracking you guys, if that’s what you think.” </p><p>“I don’t have to think about anything, Steve. I just need to keep me and mine safe,” Clint’s words whip Steve in the face across the ocean. </p><p>“Safe from who exactly? Bucky isn’t the Winter— he isn’t going to hurt anyone.” </p><p>“He hurt you, didn’t he? And then the way I hear it, you guys teamed up and hurt Tony pretty badly. Hightailed out of town right afterward.” </p><p>Steve’s chest feels cold and caved in and his shoulders tense up to his ears. Tony’s bloody and bruised face is the easiest for him to conjure. It’s there in Steve’s mind every night finding its home next to Bucky falling off the train and the way the Arctic Ocean smothered him into a 70 year deep sleep.  </p><p>He works to breathe and answer back. “It wasn’t like that. You weren’t there and Natasha helped us get away. Got us somewhere safe.” Brief sentences are all that he can manage, swallowing down the bile that threatens to come up. </p><p>Clint doesn’t have that problem. “I didn’t need to be there to understand what choice was made and Nats got some unexplainable debt to that guy she feels the need to pay back. What I’m telling you is that you and your pet sociopath’s days of keeping tabs on us are done.” </p><p>“Clint, listen--” But Clint isn’t there anymore to listen to him and the dial tone also doesn’t care about Steve’s excuses. </p><p>_____</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t tell Bucky about what Clint said to him, although Bucky can tell that something is wrong with him from the moody way he stomps around the house. It accumulates to them fighting in the hallway like two alleycats, but Steve knows he's the real pussy which is why he's hiding out under the shower long after the hot water has run out. </p><p>Finding Bucky again, no matter how many times Hydra put his brain into a blender, made Steve feel he was finally living for the first time since they pulled him out of the ice. It almost made him believe in a Christian God again. Finding him mind fucked and a hollow shell for Hydra’s use, made him want to punch God in the face if it existed. Those were the types of feelings Bucky brought out of him and always had. </p><p> He was sure that as sick as Steve was growing up, Bucky made plans for a world that didn’t include him in it, but Steve’s world always included Bucky. The day that Bucky was announced dead, Steve’s world stopped making sense. Now that he is back, they were two old men in a modern world, fighting the same decade-long wars on the battlefield and at home. Since the incident in Siberia with Tony, Steve had been trying to find a place for him and Bucky together in this new world. He knew that he wanted a place where they could always be beside each other. He was starting to think that place didn’t exist. </p><p> </p><p>From outside the bathroom door, two sharp knocks came from a one-handed man. “If you’re trying to drown yourself, Stevie, could you speed it up? I have to pee.” </p><p>Steve lifts his head off the shower wall. “Go piss in the sink.” </p><p>“Ew, no. I eat cereal in that sink. I wash our delicates in that sink.” </p><p>Steve unfolds his arms. “What delicates? And what cereal—okay, and you’ve picked the lock. Great.” </p><p>Bucky pulls the green shower curtain aside, giving Steve a full view of Bucky in nothing but his birthday suit. “You know, Buck. I’m a goddamn national hero. I fought to preserve the rights of every American, including my own. I get the right to drown myself in my own goddamn shower, in peace, Buck. I earned that.” </p><p>Bucky jabs his sharp elbow into Steve’s side. “Move over, national hero. Pretty sure I assassinated some government officials so the surveillance state would come out on top,” Bucky leans into the water, shivering violently when the cold water hits him. “Motherfucking, cocksucker, it’s cold. You trying to recreate your big sleep or somethin’?”</p><p>Steve shrugs at him and folds his arm again to lean against the wall. He can tell that Bucky wants to talk to him, but for once gets that Steve isn’t in a chatty mood. He grabs the Irish Spring body wash and washes Steve, who doesn’t unfold his arms. Bucky uses his one hand to start at the top of Steve’s shoulders, around his arms, chest and stomach, then down to his dick. Steve closes his eyes, focusing on the tuneless song that Bucky hums while he washes Steve’s calves. </p><p>Moments like these between the two of them feel outside of time and if you asked Steve to recall the year, he wouldn’t be able to tell you if it was 1937, 1944, 2015, or 2028. He wouldn’t be able to say for sure if it wasn’t Bucky that found him in the Arctic, cleaning him off now to show him a whole other world. If you were to question Steve right now, he wouldn't be able to say he didn’t fall off that train with Bucky all those years ago, and they were both found dead in the snow, wrapped around each other’s frozen bodies. </p><p>“Okay, national hero, let’s get you out of this. You’re starting to prune up and show your age,” Bucky nudges him under the shower head, twisting Steve back and forth to rinse all the soap off. When Steve fully opens his eyes, he sees that Bucky hasn’t washed. “You don’t want to shower?” </p><p>Bucky leans around him to twist off the shower knobs. Steve shivers, strangely missing the freezing water beating down on him. “I’m good. I’ll take a bath later tonight,” He steps out of the tub, flashing Steve a dazzling smile that makes his knees weak. “Plus, I’m not quite the masochist you are, I need the water to be at least room temp.” </p><p>Steve feels that icy caved in feeling spread across his chest as Bucky wraps him in a towel. He feels too much all at once for too many people, and he isn’t sure if he is one of those people on that list. Steve’s body was engineered to take on more damage than humanly possible, but Bucky, coming to the bathroom to save Steve from himself, is threatening to rip him in half. </p><p>He has too much love and devotion for Bucky, but worse yet under all that love was a grimy layer of dread and apprehension that covered them both. Steve didn’t need anyone to spell it out for him, no matter what the rest of The Avengers told him. He hadn’t only chosen his oldest friend over them. Steve had picked the other guy, the enemy. </p><p>He had too much love and devotion for Bucky, and it would get them killed. </p><p> Steve felt all the oxygen being sucked from the room and he was eleven years old again, neck and chest tightening, while his mouth flapped open. Bucky’s face came into view, too close, his skin too hot, but his grip tight enough to shake Steve back and forth. </p><p>He reached with both hands to grab at Bucky, pleading with his eyes for him to understand.  Sucking in a shaky breath, he croaked out, “Asthma atta-” before an invisible fist squeezed the air out of his lungs. Bucky words and mouth were like an out sync movie while he quickly tried to calm Steve down. </p><p> “Hey, stop it you aren’t having an asthma attack, it’s—breathe slower goddamnit— I’m pretty sure you’re having a panic attack,” Bucky’s voice sounded high pitched and scared to Steve’s ears, and he wondered if he was dying. </p><p>“You don’t have asthma anymore, remember? Calm down, buddy. Everything will be al—I’m right here, Steve, see? Touch my face,”  He felt for Steve’s fingers, never taking his eyes away from his face. Bucky pressed the pads of Steve’s fingertips into his cheek. </p><p>It was the embarrassment of standing wet, cold, and limp dick in the shower that pulled Steve back together more than anything. His shoulders eased down away from his ears, and he felt the ache in his jaw from clenching it so tightly. He lowered his hand away from Bucky’s face, but slid it down to his armless shoulder, grounding himself by rubbing the scar tissue surrounding Bucky’s residual limb. </p><p>“Sorry,” He looks down to see where his fallen towel had gone.</p><p>Bucky’s mouth folds into itself as he takes in the full sight of Steve’s red cheeks and damp lashes. He stares at Steve with unblinking eyes. “Just breathe slower, Stevie.” </p><p>Steve takes his hands off of Bucky to pick up his towel, wrapping it around his waist. He tries for humor, feeling claustrophobic now, with Bucky still so close. “I’ll give that a try,” He rubs his chest slightly below his heart and places one foot out of the tub, but stops before fully getting out. “Come on. Let’s get out. Get something to eat. You can explain your show to me.” </p><p>Bucky is still staring at him, unblinking. His dark wavy hair is damp and loose around his shoulders, and he’s still naked. He was prettier than most people had any right to be, and Steve knew he would fight a hundred wars for him to keep that right. An invisible fist takes a hold of Steve’s heart as Bucky’s flesh one reaches out to twine their fingers together. </p><p>“Sure, Steve.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to my wonderful forever Nano group for putting up with me.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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